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386 lines
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<p>Raw link: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy-QUCSHoWM">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy-QUCSHoWM</a></p>
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<p>On Saturday 2021-10-30 at 13:00 +0300 I did a live stream. The video
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was recorded for future reference and is available on this page.</p>
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<p>I talked about the impostor syndrome; of how we might seriously think of
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ourselves as frauds. My intention was to provide a philosophical
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outlook and to outline certain methods we may apply to cope with
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impostor syndrome and, perhaps, overcome it.</p>
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<p>As you would expect from my other two live streams, much of the
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presentation was theoretical and targeted at a general audience. Though
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I also described some experiences from my participation in the Emacs
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community. Thes did not go into technicalities, but only served as
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examples from which we could draw insights about everyday life.</p>
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<p>The text of the presentation is reproduced below. It is in Org
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notation.</p>
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<p>After I concluded my talk, I joined the live chat to answer any
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questions and/or to comment on any remarks. Those were about the topic
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of the live stream and other subjects related to what I post on my
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website.</p>
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<hr />
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<pre><code class="language-org">#+TITLE: Live: Impostor syndrome and the Emacs community
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#+AUTHOR: Protesilaos Stavrou (https://protesilaos.com)
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#+DATE: 2021-10-30
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* Introduction
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Hello everyone! My name is Protesilaos, also known as "Prot".
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In this video I want to talk to you about something that relates to
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human relations and which I have discerned in tech-related communities,
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such as that of Emacs. This is about how some persons in those
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communities may feel about themselves and their contributions. What is
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the self-image that they have and which are the associations or thought
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processes that might relate to it.
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I want to talk to you about the phenomenon of thinking that you are a
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fraud, an infamous charlatan who does not really know anything about
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the subject matter in question. This is also known as the "impostor
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syndrome".
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I will approach this topic mostly at the theoretical level and gradually
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include some more specific examples, such as references from my
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participation in the Emacs community.
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The intention is to share with you what the problem can be and discuss
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some techniques we may use to ameliorate the pressure and, perhaps,
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circumvent the obstacles that our mind puts in front of us.
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The first part of this presentation is general, but then I will be a bit
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more specific with examples about Emacs and related topics.
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The reason I want to talk about this is because I have experienced it in
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the past and have a sense that others may also struggle with it.
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To be clear and unequivocal: *I am not a professional therapist and this
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is not medical advice*. I am just a lay person who is about to say lay
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person things.
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Recall that this is a live stream. It is being recorded and will be
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available for future review. The show notes are on my website:
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https://protesilaos.com/codelog/2021-10-29-live-stream-impostor-syndrome-emacs.
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As always, I am taking questions from the live chat and will reply to
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them once I conclude today's presentation. The questions can be about
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the current topic or anything else related to what I post on my website:
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https://protesilaos.com.
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* What does it mean to feel like a fraud?
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This is about your perception. How you think your disposition and your
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contributions are interpreted by others. You have this sense of
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self-doubt that everything you do is scrutinised by those around you.
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You get the idea that they are looking carefully at every single motion
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and every single word of yours in search for something erroneous. You
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dread that because you believe that if you make a mistake it will expose
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your little secret: the fact that you are a fraud. And if that happens,
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you fear your whole life will collapse.
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Feeling like an impostor is all about what goes on in your mind. People
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don't really tell you that you are a fraud. And you have never actually
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confirmed that your peers are putting everything you do under the
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microscope. There might have been certain cases that made you think
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that you may be a fraud, but those have been the exception to the norm.
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Or you may have been the victim of abuse, which is no longer about
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thikning of yourself as a fraud, but suffering from trauma, which is
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different. If this is just about believing that you are incompetent, it
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may be that your mind is making a tiger out of a cat, a major problem
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out of a minor one.
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The triggers for those sentiments are not purely negative. There is a
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constructive aspect to them. You are introspective, which is key to
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identifying the areas where you can further improve yourself. You are
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self-conscious, which is of paramount importance in understanding
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yourself in relation to others and, thus, in recognising the others.
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And you are questioning yourself, which shows the capacity to avoid
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becoming dogmatic about that which you cherish the most: your selfhood.
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What is destructive, however, what can cause you harm and hamper your
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contributions to the world is how far you take your introspection, your
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self-consciousness, your self-doubt. There has to be a balance, a
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virtuous midpoint, otherwise you are approaching an extreme state of
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affairs that is suboptimal.
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As with everything that is not binary in nature, the difference between
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poison and medicine is one of degree. The right amount is benign. An
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excess supply, or a shortage, is detrimental to your health. Think
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about food: no food leads to starvation, too much food can cause death,
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while the right amount of food keeps you going.
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The same is true for what happens in our mind. The total absence of
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introspection, self-consciousness, self-doubt turns you into an
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arrogant, foolish, sociopath. But too much introspection makes you lose
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touch with the world around you. Too much self-consciousness renders
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you self-centred and boosts your confidence about knowing yourself to a
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fault. While too much self-doubt forces you into submission, as you can
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no longer make basic, practical choices that entail a degree of
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uncertainty.
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* Hubris: from perfectionism to defeatism
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Here I want to introduce a term you either are not familiar with or may
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have heard before but did not pay too much attention to. The word is
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"hubris", which comes from ancient Greek. Hubris describes the human
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condition that has gone past its limits; a condition that has drifted
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away from the virtuous midpoint into an extreme state of affairs.
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In mythology and ancient tragedy, hubris meant that the gods would
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punish the human transgressor, for their excessive cockiness, their
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extremism. But we do not need the theological underpinnings of Greek
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polytheism to appreciate the value of having a balanced approach to what
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we do. We do not have to subscribe to a specific school of thought in
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order to recognise facts of life, such as the difference in degree
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between poison and medicine.
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For those who are struggling with the impostor syndrome, hubris
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describes the extreme predicament they find themselves in. And that
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condition may be because of another quality that people have:
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perfectionism or, else, conscientiousness.
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To be a perfectionist, or to be conscientious, is to really care about
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what you do to the point where you want to achieve the best results.
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Again, this is a good thing to have, especially when considered together
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with what we have already covered about being introspective,
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self-conscious, and self-critical (self-doubt). Though, as we said
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before, when you take your perfectionism or conscientiousness to the
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extreme, you start getting adverse results. You commit hubris.
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One such adverse result is defeatism and its concomitant sense of
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nihilist self-deprecation. This is how it goes: you set yourself up to
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deliver on an ambitious project. You put in every ounce of effort that
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you can, expecting it to be a runaway success. But as the project
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develops, you realise that your work is not perfect. So you keep
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postponing the deadline you had set for yourself and eventually get
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trapped in a cycle of postponements and reviews, where you always
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dismiss what you have achieved as simply not being up to the standard
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you had envisioned. Because you had those lofty ambitions, those
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unrealisable expectations, you conclude that what you do is in vein.
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Instead of recognising your hubris, your excessive perfectionism, you
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rationalise your condition as not being fit for the task. So you tell
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yourself that you will always fail no matter how hard you try. That is
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your defeatism being rationalised as your actuality. And then you take
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it a step further and tell yourself how everything you do is totally
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useless. That is your defeatism transmogrifying into nihilist
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self-deprecation. This is all hubris; hubris writ large. Which calls
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for a return to a more balanced approach to life.
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* Challenge yourself: what's wrong with being a fraud?
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The impostor syndrome can really harm you. It can prove detrimental to
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your productivity and it can become deleterious for your sanity. So it
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is not to be taken lightly. There are, however, some techniques we may
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employ to change the course of things so that we move away from the
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extremes and back to a state of mind where we can find the virtuous
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midpoint.
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One such technique is to turn the accusation of you being a fraud on its
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head. Instead of apologising to yourself for being an impostor, take a
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deep breath, drink some water, and turn that nihilism of yours
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upside-down. Ask yourself what will happen to the world if it actually
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believes that I am a charlatan? Let's say that you are writing some
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Emacs Lisp code, or you are doing a presentation in a live stream. Take
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me, what will happen to me right now if someone watching this thinks
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that I am not a philosopher or that I am not this or that? Will the
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thoughts of that person stop me from getting enjoyment out of what I do?
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Will my body, my mind, my entire being suddenly find no amusement, no
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food for the soul, so to speak, in whatever it is I am doing?
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So calm down and ask yourself what can go wrong in the world if you
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indeed are a fraud? Let's say that I discover this right now: I am not
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who I thought I was. I truly am a fraud! Did you watching this lose
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something following this revelation? Perhaps you lost your time, but
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otherwise it is inconsequential. Was I gaining something from you
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before that realisation which will now be lost simply because something
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flipped in my mind and I am now supposedly a fraud? No. The only thing
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that has changed is a thought in my mind. The world, however, does not
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revolve around that thought.
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Now you may be thinking about cases where something hinges on your
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performance. Let's say that you are a doctor and are saving lives out
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there. What happens if you think you are a fraud? We are all doomed
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because however bad you think you are, those of us who are not doctors
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are definitely worse at what you are doing. And the same principle for
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every position where others depend on you. For you to be in that
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position, it clearly means that you are not as bad as you think you are.
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And then we have activities that are of a more modest nature compared to
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saving lives. For example, you are writing Emacs Lisp code and you are
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packaging it so that other people may use it as well. Again, what can
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possibly go wrong if someone, somewhere gets this idea that you are a
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fraud. So what? Nothing happens. But we will revisit this point a bit
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later.
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Use the nihilism that was contributing to your downfall against your
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defeatism. Use it in a constructive way to show the absurdity of
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getting bogged down by extreme self-doubt; the absurdity of questioning
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yourself to death, so to speak.
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* Let the ideal be the guide of the good, not its enemy
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Another technique that we can employ is to reconsider the relationship
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between the ideal and the actual. We said that the impostor syndrome
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can be an inwardly corrupt perfectionism or a kind of conscientiousness
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gone wrong. And the reason behind that may be how we set ourselves up
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for failure by misunderstanding what the ideal actually represents.
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What we want is for the ideal to be our guide in life. We wish to
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approximate it and emulate it as much as possible, so that what we do
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gets better and better. What we should not do, though, is compare the
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actual to the ideal only so that we may discard what we have. Because
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if we keep doing that, we will simply be left with nothing. The ideal
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is unattainable because it is a mental construct, an absolute that is
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not instantiated in some particular case. We can never attain the
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absolute. We can only ever do something that is within our means or,
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generally, framed by the factors that govern the prevailing conditions
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in our life.
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Let's think about this situation by means of a thought experiment. The
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point is to not be so abstract all the time. Suppose that there exist
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two versions of Protesilaos in the world. One is my current self right
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here, and the other is a 20-year-old version of me. Let's call the
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latter "young Prot" and I am, in this case, "old Prot" (hey, I'm 33!).
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So young Prot has been following old Prot's publications. And young
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Prot has all those ideas that he wants to write about and put them on a
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personal website. Young Prot wants to become old Prot and sets out to
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produce those publications that will go into his new website. But young
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Prot is beset on all sides by this persistent doubt that he is not good
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enough. Imagine that we can read his mind. It goes like this:
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#+begin_quote
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I want to set up a website and write about all those topics that
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interest me. This Protesilaos fellow is inspiring me to do so. Maybe I
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should even send him my works. But who am I trying to deceive? I am a
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nobody with nothing to show for. Whereas look at him: he has written
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about all those subjects... plus, he has this luscious beard! [joke!] I
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better sit here and accept that I am incompetent.
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#+end_quote
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What do you think will happen to young Prot is he maintains that
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attitude? Will he ever grow up to become old Prot? No, because he is
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setting himself up for failure. He is comparing his current state to a
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desired state that he has misunderstood and he is misusing that ideal to
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belittle himself. What young Prot needs to do is simply give it a try
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and play to the beat of his own being; follow his heart, as they say.
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Ignore the comparisons. Blot out everything that prevents the actual
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from becoming good and the good from becoming better. The ideal must be
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our guide, the lodestar we look up to find our way in the wilderness.
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It is not our enemy.
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* Learn to accept counterpoints gracefully
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The other technique that can help is to become more dialectical. Don't
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cling on to your position and try to win the argument. I have written
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about this issue at length, though here I want to put it in concrete
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terms by using an example with Emacs. I will show some code, but even if
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you don't understand it, please bear with me as the point is general.
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[ The Dialectician's Ethos:
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https://protesilaos.com/books/2020-09-30-ethos-dialectic/ ]
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A couple of days ago I was working on refining a user option in my
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=modus-themes=. What had to be done, was to compare the elements of two
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lists in order to find the first match between them. I did not know how
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to do it in a clean way, so I wrote some ugly code which, nonetheless,
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did return the values I was looking for. The function was this:
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#+begin_src emacs-lisp
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(defun modus-themes--heading-weight (list)
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(let (weight)
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(setq weight
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(mapcar (lambda (elt)
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(member elt modus-themes--heading-weights))
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list))
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(setq weight (delq nil weight))
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(setq weight (caar weight))))
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#+end_src
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You would pass to it a list of symbols and it would compare it to
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another list: the =modus-themes--heading-weights=. So I committed that.
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The person with whom we were discussing this new addition, Christian
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Tietze, told me about a more efficient way to accomplish the same task
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by simply using the =cl-intersection= function which compares two lists
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directly. So I went with Christian's suggestion. Then Daniel Mendler
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pointed out that this use of =cl-intersection= required its library at
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runtime, so we could opt for another approach that would have no such
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dependency. The short version of the story is that I was wrong and
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those folks showed me how to do it right.
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My attitude was always cooperative and open-minded. When someone
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demonstrates that I am wrong, I am happy to concede the point and I am
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eager to follow their thesis. And that is because I believe that when
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someone shows you the error of your ways, they are actually doing you a
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service. They are helping you free yourself from that falsehood, that
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incorrect belief, that bad technique, etc.
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If I had felt attacked by Christian and Daniel, if I was insecure by
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picturing myself as a fraud, we wouldn't have the better code, plus I
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would be feeling inadequate and a complete idiot. Maybe I would want to
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hide somewhere, instead of talking about it here. It would be horrible.
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* People don't judge you for trivialities
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The truth of the matter is that we sometimes worry too much about what
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others may think. Our mind is magnifying the problem by weaving all
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those imaginary scenaria together in one grand narrative that ultimately
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functions against our sanity.
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This is not to downplay the significance of the problem, nor to suggest
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some simplistic and generic cliché of "get up and do it". It does not
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work that way. What I am saying here is that everything can benefit
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from a more refined technique. Our thinking processes are no different.
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If we apply the right method and are patient about it, we stand a better
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chance of disentangling our thoughts, of putting them in order, and of
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not falling into traps that we have set up for ourselves.
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You may be thinking at this point a bit like young Prot in my thought
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experiment earlier. "Oh, but I am not strong enough". My argument is
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that you can improve yourself by changing your method. It all is a
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matter of attitude, of how you approach things. As for not being
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"strong enough", you may have heard about the ancient mathematician
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called Archimedes. He wanted to explain to his peers how leverage
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works. So he claimed that there is a certain point to which we can
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apply sufficient pressure in order to move large objects. And he
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exaggerated by claiming that he can move the Earth, if the right point
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exists, upon which to apply the appropriate leverage. If we want to
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draw the general insight from this claim and use it for our purposes
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here, we can say that strength is a function of technique. Archimedes
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could move massive objects with the correct method, not with his sheer
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power. The same is true for us: we can do seemingly impossible things
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by changing our disposition.
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Finally, I wish to conclude this presentation with a few words about my
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participation in the Emacs community. As you may know, I have been
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using Emacs since the summer of 2019. I am not a programmer and had no
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knowledge of Lisp when I started with Emacs. But that did not stop me
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from trying to get better. I took baby steps and started learning my
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way around. Then I began writing my super simple Elisp tweaks. Over
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time I got better at it and am always looking forward to learn something
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new.
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During all this time, the Emacs community has been welcoming. Was I
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always good with Elisp? No, absolutely not. Was I always insightful
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about how to use Emacs? Again, the answer is firmly negative. So a
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defeatist back in 2019, let's call him "young Prot" once again, would
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have stayed away from this milieu without even trying. Because young
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Prot would have imagined how hostile and elitist the Emacs community is,
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with their niche program and all its weird methods.
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But I tried. And I learnt that people don't judge you for trivialities.
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</code></pre>
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<hr />
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<p>The video thumbnail is a tweak of the Levitating, Meditating,
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Flute-playing Gnu under the terms of the GNU General Public License:
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<a href="https://www.gnu.org/graphics/meditate.html">https://www.gnu.org/graphics/meditate.html</a>.</p>
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